HUMOR
The Vasectomy
A patient was waiting in the pre-op room for his vasectomy. A nurse walked in, lifted his sheet, and gave him a blow job. The patient exclaimed: "Hey, that was great, but why?" The nurse responded: "The doctor likes your tubes to be flushed prior to the procedure. As the patient was being wheeled into the operating room, he noticed other patients masturbating. He asked the attendant what's up with that?. The attendant replied that they, too, were about to be vasectomized. The patient then inquired why he got a blow job, while they had to masturbate. "Simple," said the attendant. "They have an HMO, you have Blue Shield."
Vasectomy
What do you call a homosexual who has been vasectomized? A seedless fruit.
Vasectomy
Wife: Honey, having a vasectomy is the most masculine thing a man can do.
Husband: That's what you said about buying the minivan.
Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a lighted cherry bomb in a can and holding it next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Alabama. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it and place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Vasectomy
A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his priest.
The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.
Vasectomy
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects." "What's that that?" the doctors asked anxiously. "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."
Vasectomy
This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a guy show up in a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?" To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!"
Vasectomy
A blond guy visits the family clinic, "I want to be castrated!", he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed this procedure with your wife?" "Yes" We both agree that this is best for us. Signing the proper forms, the patient is promptly castrated and released. On his way out the door, he runs into a friend, ''Hey what's up?", I'm scheduled for my vasectomy today, "OH SHIT", That's what it's called.....
Vasectomy
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"
SPERM
A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Not Vasectomy "X Rated Popeye Animated Cartoon"
NOT VASECTOMY, BUTT GOOD ANYWAY
Actual article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of San Francisco Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a Felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in San Francisco, (I guess no real surprise.) It does give new meaning to the phrase "Blow it out your ass", doesn't it?
Castration
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated".
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation", he said.
When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew - start over from this point". So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular".
"That's right", exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?"
"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long
"Right again," the man said.
The proprietor suggested, "And for under-shorts, I'd say a size 36."
"There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size under-shorts I wear, and I'll take 34".
The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"
Not Vasectomy, Still Funny
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."
Not Vasectomy
There are two men on opposite sides of the earth.
A.) One is walking a tightrope 50 ft. above the ground with "no" safety net.
B.) The other is getting a blow-job from an 85 year-old woman.
Both are having the same thought: "Whatever you do, don't look down...!!!"
Not Vasectomy
The information presented is not designed or intended as medical advice.